cocktail of distractions

on the rocks, with a twist

Creatively speaking, I’ve been going through a bit of a low period this week. There just isn’t much going on up in here. I blame the deadly combination of writing more regularly than ever with the general lack-of-anything-happening. I guess life does need to be lived in order to be written about.

OMG, now that I have writer’s block, does that mean I’m finally a real writer?

Since I’m a real writer now I should probably write something, though that just takes us back to our original problem. Maybe I can get a pipe to be smoking constantly, sit there shrouded in a cloud of sweet smelling smoke.

The cloud will wrap around me calmly, interrupted only from time to time by my proclamations of various wisdoms to an otherwise empty room. “Write it down, Angela!” I’ll bellow. Of course, there’s no Angela. I’m too drunk to know this. In this fantasy I have a deep voice. I’m also a 60 year old bearded man. Yes, I could take up drinking heavily too. If literature’s greatest works have been born out of suffering, it’s about time for me to engage in some light to medium self-sabotage.

Things are too nice, too quiet.

(The moment I wrote that, I got a jolt of anxiety: holy shit, I’ve jinxed it. Now I shall live in a state of constant fear until The Next Bad Thing happens, after which I will be able to finally relax again.)

***

While getting comfortable for an entire toddler nap’s worth of procrastination from writing I decided why don’t I solve one problem with another and just take you along on my procrastination journey for this week’s post.

First thing first, brain needs sugar to work, or something. I maximise the time setting myself up to write by first ordering the coffee, opening the laptop, and then getting a pastry in a whole separate trip to the till. If things keep going this way, I might get some soup. I don’t even like soup! (this can be the suffering part.)

This is a life hack from a real writer, write it down. Just kidding. I’m the writer, I’ll write it down for you. I shall keep a list and make a printable version for you to download (this is a ploy to get your email addresses. everyone else has a free course/printable materials. why can’t I?).

Next I open the news app.

(Then I open the music app and skip songs until I reach Still Feel by Half Alive, a song I’ve heard about seven hundred times this morning.)

I open the news and squint really hard to avoid accidentally seeing something that will disturb my peace too much. I reach an article about eczema from The Sunday Times. This is a good example of a perfect article for me to read and preserve peace because nobody in my household suffers from eczema.

As I skim the science details I will never remember anyway, the takeaway is they can probably solve eczema itching forever. Such good news.

Apparently, it’s because the itching is caused by some bacteria. Did they not know this before? Seems like something they should’ve known already. Something something, more testing things on mice. I have a volunteer for them, sign up our balcony mouse for a lifetime of itchiness to repay the karmic debt of scaring us off of using our own balcony.

I do an internal shrug of satisfaction and move on.

***

Special shoutout to this headline, the article behind which I have no desire to read, but you might want to.

Ah, what the hell, I read it anyway. It left me with mixed emotions. It’s well written, funny, and insightful, yet somehow made me less happy, since everything the author talks about is true, and feels as unchangeable as basic human nature.

We really do, collectively, spend too much time catering to stupidity. Everything needs a disclaimer; people can’t just assume good intentions. Perceived misconceptions, in jest or otherwise, induce more rage than real transgressions with real consequences. I can’t really be serious, which is why I avoid subjects like that.

One day, when I’m a better, more balanced (and better read) person than today, I will talk to you about something actually important.

***

For now, I open my list of funky phrases to try to adapt into my lexicon and add “Watery mayonnaise (insult)” to the list. See, it might not seem like it, but I’m funny on purpose. It takes time and dedication. (Pretend I didn’t say that if you don’t think I’m funny.)

Here’s the list I have so far. It’s very important to me. It was inspired by something I saw on instagram months ago. It’s not something I spend much time on, but whenever I hear a phrase or word I can misuse, I note it down.

• Who’s to say (Use this when you’ve definitely done something wrong)

• Godspeed (Chef’s kiss. Beautiful word. Can also be used as a verb. Godspeed out of here!)

• Couldn’t be me

• I’ll allow it

• A little trick I learnt in the army (Works beautifully when you’re someone who very obviously has never been in the army)

• Never heard of it (When someone introduces themselves and names some big city or country they’re from, you can say: Never heard of it. Like they say: Hi, i’m from New York, and you say: New… York?? Never heard of it.)

• Since the accident/incident (only to be applied to situations where nothing happened)

• In this economy? (about very cheap or free things)

• For tax reasons (Use for things that have nothing to do with tax or finance. Like I don’t drink coffee after 4 pm for tax reasons. Refuse to elaborate.

• My curse has been lifted. (Use in combination with inviting people to do things. Wanna see a movie? My curse has been lifted.)

• Up and not crying (Saw in an instagram reel, they said that in Norway this is what people say when you ask them how they’re doing. I don’t know if this is true but responding to “Hey, how are you?” With “Up and not crying”" is pretty much the height of my ambition for humour.)

• I will not elaborate/I am not taking further questions at this time. (Say something nonsensical, follow with this. makes you sound 3 times smarter)

By the way, if you have any phrases you like to use, please share so I can grow my list.

***

The next article contains 11 Tips On How To Recover Quickly From Any Illness this winter. I click on it because Mila will be starting nursery in January and I’m bracing myself for several months of back to back sicknesses.

I skip the deluded advice of not doing too much, too soon, and avoiding alcohol. If you remember anything from this post at all when you’re done, it should be this:

1. Zinc

2. Vitamin C

3. Chicken soup

4. Garlic

That’s all.

***

I stop here to take a super deep breath and try to ignore the heart palpitations. Not sure why it’s being so dramatic, I did get my full three hours of sleep last night. And this is only my fourth cup of coffee today. Some days, I get to this number before 9 am. It’s past midday now. Should be all diluted by now in the zero ounces of water and the one pastry I had today.

I respond to a snap from a friend with a selfie. “Your hair looks great today,” he says.

“As opposed to every other day?” I answer, and add an angry face emoji. This is a joke, of course. I don’t know why I’m like this, but being difficult seems to be part of my hardware. You’d have to replace the whole thing to solve that, and, well, wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?

“You’re infuriating,” is the response. It’s the only correct one.

“Thank you,” I say, very pleased with myself.

I look around, the coffee shop seems to be filling up. The baby is still asleep. I’m disappointed to note that all is still right in the world: the universe is refusing to play ball today, huh?

***

The last article I open is from the Wallpaper, and it’s about the results of the 2023 Linbury Prize for set design. I make a mental note to see if I can go check out the showcase of the 12 winners at the National Theatre.

***

Mila stirs in the pram and I panic. I remove my headphones and hear Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears playing from the coffee shop speakers. I remember that scene in Donnie Darko, and decide to watch it again.

Donnie Darko, and this scene alongside a couple of others from this film, live rent free in my head.

I thought about that movie a lot while writing my previous post about chaos theory. I didn’t include any of it because I feel like the movie deserves a separate post by itself.

Hearing this song now, after the mental journey I undertook so recently, makes me think about Journey to Ixtlan, a book from a series of esoteric works by Carlos Castaneda. I’ve been meaning to write about it for a while, but struggle to find the right angle for it. I’ll get to it soon. Might need to re-read the book first.

The reason the song reminds me of Castaneda is because he regarded signs like these to be an indication that you’re on the right path. That this is the universe’s way of telling me I’m moving in the right direction, aligning itself with wherever I’m at.

I just think it’s a beautiful thought, whether you believe in these things or not. I don’t, though if the universe is sending me a sign I’m correct to be writing in a light filled coffee shop right now, eating a pastry, then I accept. I accept the sign and all it represents.

***

Since I’m watching scenes I like I think of maybe my favourite scene of all time, of any show or movie, ever. Let’s watch it together. It’s the millionth time for me, but if you haven’t seen the show it won’t really spoil things from the show much, I don’t think.

It’s a flashback to the very beginning of the story being told in the show Leftovers, in one of the later episodes of the first season. If you haven’t seen the show, you should. It’s about 2% of the world population disappearing with no explanation and reason, and what happened after.

It’s surprising, beautiful, and haunting.

I’ve seen this scene at many different points in my life and it makes my insides turn over every time.

Regardless what day or mood I’m in, this image makes my heart stop:

***

Ugh, it’s all become too real, too fast.

Oh look, a live video of magma dancing around inside an active volcano in Iceland! People live in that country, just imagine.

My mind goes back to 2010, or maybe 2011? I was in Riga for half-term. I was about to return to England to take my final college exams when another volcano erupted in Iceland, grounding all planes.

I absolutely had to get back to avoid missing my tests, so I took a 36 hr bus ride back to London. I sat the entire time next to a very friendly Britishman who kept talking to me about his business, dog, and family, while I was trying not to throw up from road sickness. That would have killed the conversation, for sure.

***

Well I guess it’s time to write now.

Just kidding, I’m finished for today. I kind of tricked you from the start and lied. I’m sorry!!!! What are you gonna do though, nothing. But creatively speaking, what happened here was exactly what I wanted to happen.

Yes, I did really technically do what I always do while procrastinating from writing, but this time it was premeditated and was intended to be a post from the start. I didn’t try to start writing, then couldn’t, so I started procrastinating. I opened my laptop with the intention of procrastinating so I can write a stream-of-consciousness blog post about it.

I see tears of betrayal in your eyes. I understand. I feel bad, I do. “Do you even HAVE writers block?” you scream.

Well, technically, no. It’s true there’s nothing going on up here in my head but as this is neither new nor temporary I don’t think I can call that writer’s block.

Trust me, nobody is as upset about it as I am! How do you think I feel? This means I’m not a real writer, and still just some girl on the internet. Lying about procrastinating, of all things, because that’s what passes for excitement to me these days; in this general lack-of-anything-happening.

Also, I do like soup. I don’t know why I lied about that. Well, I do, I wanted to make the joke about the fact that in the absence of actual life suffering my writing can be inspired by the suffering of having to eat soup. I don’t know, you probably didn’t even get it, but that was the joke, and the lie that went with it. It’s not too important I guess, but I decided to come clean anyway in case someone wanted to feed me some soup. I like soup very much, especially with toasted bread.

Wait a second, I just realised that if I was to lie to you, I could have literally come up with anything else, told any other lie. Something exciting. Scrap everything you just read. The truth is, I saw aliens.

Tell you about it next time, friend <3