totally unpublishable

maybe things will pick up again

October

Zoe is very good at feelings. She knows five: happy, sad, silly, frustrated, and angry. Last night she wasn’t well. She was crying, I mean CRYING, in my arms. And in the middle of it she says - just in case I missed it - she says: “Zoe sad!!!” I know, little one, I know.

Mila is also good at feelings. She knows two: content, and very very sad.

I’m not good at feelings. There was a mockup image of what the world looks like when you’re having a stroke. All the shapes are familiar but you can’t actually recognise or name anything specific. It’s really eerie. I look at the little faces we show Zoe to help her learn, and the cards, but none of them seem quite right. Sad? Not quite. Happy? Hm.

***

Fine, I’ll write. The longer it’s been the harder it is to start again, so I guess I better not leave it any longer than it’s already been.

***

P.S. I think I speak for everyone when I say Elon Musk! Listen here you punk!

November

Last week I was forced into some mindfulness. I took Mila to a coffee shop to try and enjoy the sunny autumnal weather we’ve been having, only to realise my phone was dead. I had to sit there, not use my phone, and just like, enjoy looking at my baby or something.

So there I was looking at my baby and the man cleaning up the leaves from the street stopped to also look at my baby. He said: whenever I see a baby, I’m humbled.

And I said: why?

What I thought he was going to say was that a child can bring a grown man to his knees, easy, because the levels of fuckery unimaginable for adults are very achievable for children.

But he said: because once we were all babies, completely helpless.

Woah, I thought. Here I am sitting all mindful, looking at leaves, receiving words of wisdom from a kind stranger. That might be something to write about. But what?

December

Julz loves saying: I think you’re right.

Few things enrage me more than Julz saying he thinks I’m right. Oh, you think? I don’t think. I know. That’s why I said it.

Here’s an example from a while ago because I can’t think of the most recent one. There were a bunch of fireworks and he said: hm, I wonder what all the fireworks are about. And I said, it’s Chinese New Year. I know this because they tell us these things at Zoe’s nursery. I feel encouraged thinking how much more worldly and cultured my children will be than me. So I said, it’s Chinese New Year.

And Julz says, “I think you’re right.”

You think? YOU THINK?

***

The real true reason behind my hiatus isn’t anything deep. Besides a slight creeping sense of dread about the state of the world I’m doing fine. I guess. Listen, anyone would go insane cleaning the same mess every day. It’s like the shittiest type of Groundhog Day, where instead of a charming North American town and a groundhog I have a bin full of dirty nappies and the fucking squirrels that steal my chocolate the moment they smell fear. Bet Bill Murray didn’t have to deal with this shit.

Squirrels are NOT cute, shut up.

The true reason is that the new Call of Duty game came out at the end of October. I’ve been lost to the world ever since.

Can you blame me? The world is a mess. When I asked if this is the wrong time for me to be buying a £300 coat Julz said: Favourite, this isn’t cost of living a-little-bit-bad, this is cost of living CRISIS.

Moments like this I remember why I agreed to marry him. It’s this and the apparently unbelievably good genes. No, you really wouldn’t believe it looking at him but his babies are out of this world. Also today we unironically wore matching Christmas sweaters, though I probably shouldn’t be telling you this (please don’t unsubscribe).

Things are starting to get their colours back. Here’s a song.