They say fresh air is good for the brain. I don’t know about the brain but I do know that if you chase a two year old around a playground for 30 minutes you are guaranteed to have a tired child by bedtime.
The only problem is getting the child to leave the playground, and for that I have a foolproof strategy of offering her a cookie. Oh give me a break, like you’re all perfect. So we go to a local coffee shop. In this coffee shop you’re to order and pay for your stuff in a little window outside and then you can sit down inside. This is important to the story, I’m not just telling you. Just, bear with me, ok.
We’re sitting there sharing a sandwich (9 out of 10 times she forgets about the cookie by the time we get there, much to the pleasure of 10 out of 10 dentists) and Zoe points at her cup and goes: bee! I say: that’s a fly, my love.
There was a fly in her milk.
Having worked in a bar in my student years I’m very familiar with fruit flies, though I don’t think I’ve ever seen one in winter. I took it out and put it on the napkin. It was still alive so it started crawling all over the place. I thought: ah, just a fly, take it out and drink the drink, whatever. But then I thought wait, that’s disgusting, and I probably shouldn’t have my two year old drinking fly soup.
So I took the napkin with the fly, and the cup of milk, and went over to the counter, but the inside bit. Sorry if the crazy logistics don’t make sense. It’s not really that important, I lied before. I was walking over there and this is what I was thinking:
“I’ll go up to her and say: there was a fly in the milk, could we please have a new one?
There was a fly in the milk, could we have a new one please? OK. That sounds okay.
Can’t go outside without the kids, so must stay indoors. But what if I have to pay? I shouldn’t assume she’ll give it to me for free, so I’ll say: I don’t want to lose sight of the children, is it okay if I pay before we leave? Yeah, that sounds okay.
I’ll say could we have a new babyccino please, and that there was a fly in this one, and is it okay to please pay before we leave. And she will say that oh no, you don’t have to pay, since there was a fly.
But what if I go up there and tell her we had a fly, and she goes, where is it? And she’ll look in the cup, but it’s not in the cup any more… And she’ll be like, why did you take it out of the cup? What if she doesn’t believe me about there being a fly? But then why would I return a full cup of milk, and ask for a new one, just to scam them out of fifty pence? That doesn’t make sense.
But what if she figures out that I took it out because I was going to let Zoe drink the rest of it? No, can’t have someone thinking I would let my two year old drink fly soup. Gotta think of something. Oh, I know.
She’ll be like, where’s the fly? And I’ll say I saw it and I tried to save it, and here it is in this napkin still alive, crawling all over the place.
Wait, that’s idiotic. Why am I saving a fucking fly?
Okay, I’ll say I took it out because I couldn’t see if its a fly or not and I wanted to check and make sure it wasn’t like, a bigger chocolate flake or something. That works, because I was in an accident when I was 12 and my vision is still not fully 100%. Yeah that’s good, I can tell her, I couldn’t see, I was in an accident when I was 12 and now my vision is a bit screwed up. So I took out the fly and saw it was indeed a fly and that’s why I had it out of the cup. And then obviously it’s not like I’m just gonna put it back in the milk, so I put it on the napkin and here it is, still alive, crawling all over the place. And I'm gonna show her the napkin and she’ll see there is indeed a fly there, crawling all over the place.
So I’ll go up there and I can say maybe… “hi, I’m very sorry, but we had a fly in our babyccino… See I took it out of the cup, but that’s because I couldn't tell if it was actually a fly or not, I had an accident when I was 12 years old and my vision is still screwy, anyway that’s why I took it out of the cup. And it really was a fly, it was still alive, crawling all over the place, so I put it on this napkin. Could I maybe get a new babyccino? I don’t want to lose sight of the kids though so is it okay for me to pay on our way out?
And then boom, my pièce de résistance, the napkin, congratulations to me, weird social situation expertly navigated.”
I was thinking this while walking but when I made it to the counter, I looked down at the napkin, and the fly was gone! My entire plan was based off of still being in possession of the evidence, but the lady already was looking at me…
-Hi, more babyccino please!
-Of course.
-Do I have to… *points outside*
-It’s okay, I can move the card machine.
We’ll get ‘em next time. Let’s just never talk about this again though. My brain certainly needs more than fresh air.